How to Use Direct Messages (DMs)

A satirical guide to send to folks who might have abused the DM feature

Hello,

Welcome to The Internet. I will be your guide.

It has only been a month since Substack introduced direct messaging to the platform, and since then I’ve already received an ongoing river of unsolicited messages that are either nonsensical, or are simply not a constructive use of time. As a small content creator, I can’t imagine what other Substackers with a larger presence are contending with. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to put together this guide for anyone who might have a use for it (if not just for a laugh).

This is a bit of a last ditch effort, as I would like to avoid having to turn off this feature on my end altogether.

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Please remember that everyone here on Substack, or anywhere for that matter, comes from all walks of life. Many are not here to cause us frustration, or to be problematic, they simply do not know any better. Let’s be patient with their journey while setting firm boundaries that protect our peace. You do not have my permission to use my content to insult or hurt others.

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In today’s lesson, we are going to talk about the right and wrong ways to use direct messaging.

Let’s start with some applications that are intended for the feature.

1. Inquiries that do not need to be public, or that may take a little bit more of a back and forth banter that might not be convenient in the comment section.

   Example: “I saw your note on X and would like to know more about Y”.

2. What someone has written has impacted you, and you would like them to know about it in a private setting.

   Example: “I loved your last post and just wanted to let you know how it helped me”.

3. You subscribe to a Substack that aligns with your content and your values, and you want to reach out to collaborate.

   Example: “I’ve been a long-time subscriber of The Uncommon Loon and especially resonated with your last few posts sharing your experience with rescuing donkeys. I also share a passion for donkey rescue and would love to have you on my podcast to talk about it.

Now let’s go over some ways direct messaging is not intended for.

1. Saying “Hey.”

Imagine this:

You are sitting in the comfort of your home, pleasantly minding your own business. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. When you open the door, the person says “Hey” and then walks away.

What was wrong:

This was a pointless interaction that interrupted your peace.

Try this instead: Ask them to elaborate on something you want to know more about based on something you read on their publication.

2. Asking other people to subscribe to your Substack.

Imagine this:

You are sitting in a crowded room. You are working, managing a large group of people whilst holding a clip board. There are several people you have to speak with and countless tasks on your to-do list. In the middle of your conversation with your colleague, someone interrupts you to ask you to subscribe to their newsletter.

What was wrong:

This is called “solicitation”.

3. Ask to collaborate, but without a plan, or when there aren’t common grounds.

   Imagine this: You are in school and one of your classmates proposes you do a group project together. You notice that they have not prepared any ideas for this, nor do they appear to be working on anything on their own. Ultimately, you are left with the responsibility of conceiving and executing the task alone, just so that they can take credit it for it. You wish your classmate hadn’t approached you at all.

   What was wrong:

   As the person offering the invitation, it was their duty to know what the invitation was for and have a suggested plan in place.

4. Harass or bully your fellow Substackers.

   Imagine this: You are on line at Target and someone asks you if you have an Onlyfans account.

Try this instead: Delete your Substack. You should not be here.

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