Fear is Permission
What a little girl has to teach you about terror
I’m six years old. I’m taken somewhere that I can’t escape.
I have amnesia, as I have no concept of a before or after, or a place that exists outside of this one. Something is here with me. It’s all-permeating, all-knowing, all-seeing. It occupies everything that is, including me. I don’t have a choice here. The entity grips me so violently, so grotesquely, that I can do nothing but writhe in pain and in fear. Rearing its ugly head, I see that sometimes the face is like a mask, and sometimes the face is raw, bloody. Mostly eyes and teeth. It has many faces, some even deceptively nice.
I look into its eyes and nothing is there, it is completely empty. It wants me to look at it, I don’t want to as the sight of it makes me sick.
It enjoys this. It is aroused by this, I can feel it, which in quick succession causes me to become even sicker.
There is no sky here, only dark rooms it has taken from my memory and an eternal black void in which it lives.
When I do wake up, I’m nauseous. Sometimes I throw up. There is no relief as the entity waits for me, waits for another time that I’m vulnerable. This is not in my head. This is very real.
I don’t tell anyone everything about it, as I know that this is real and they wont believe me.
Night terrors are especially common amongst children. Underneath many layers I am incredibly stubborn and impatient, and I think that is what saved me. Eventually, I learned that it was the fear that was the life force, the food. My own terror was keeping them alive, and most of all keeping me in a state of submission.
Growing up, I brushed shoulders with people in real life that gave me this same feeling that I had in my nightmares. I would get physically sick to the stomach, disoriented, and overcome with the feeling like I was in immense danger. Later on in life I would come to find out that these people were convicted of child pornography, or something of the like. Make no mistake, real life demons walk among us, and I was right. It was their arousal brought on by my own terror in the nightmares I was plagued with that gave me the ability to perceive the nature of a psychopath, and therefore spot them in real life. And many people forget this, or do not know this- psychopaths are not just broken people who do horrific things. The horrific things are their source of pleasure. We don’t understand it because we’re not like them, but the darkness in them is unfathomably deep, and very, very real.
Like many, I eventually became tired of these experiences. That alone was enough to catalyze the change that needed to happen. I discovered a few things having lived through terror, through having an interest in the occult, and through being an incredibly sensitive, yet wise child. I would like to share that with you today.
First and foremost is that to fear something is to submit to it. My fear was permission.
Second is that demonic entities, whether literal or figurative, hate to look at themselves. Sometimes I would pull out a mirror and show them to themselves. It makes sense when you think about it, as that’s how someone gets that bad in the first place, how someone turns into something. Someone who is not willing to look at themselves is at risk of becoming consumed by their own egoic persona, their own stories, their own malice. Not to mention the fact that this is an act of deflection, and it’s harder to be afraid while you’re busy seeing something for what it is.
In order to overcome something, you must understand it. That is the basis of my entire platform of Metanoia - not just Substack. On my YouTube channel I have stated this time and time again: You cannot change anything unless you look at it. Even if it hurts, even if it’s terrifying.
That sentiment goes far beyond the dark world of psychopathy and demonic presence.
Yes, Metanoia is a book I’m writing, and a YouTube channel where I make silly videos on numerology, a place to talk about writing, and so on. But fundamentally, I am trying to get you to look at something. I promise, once you look at the thing that is hurting you, or all of us, and actually see it, it cannot remain unaltered.
The enemy, whatever that may be for you, has illusions enshrouded in a thousand truths. It is a minefield of distractions, many, if not most, in the form of fear.
Don’t let them have it. That is your power.
Just to be clear, I’m not talking about the kind of fear that keeps you from death, the good fear that makes you afraid of jumping off of a building or picking up a deadly animal. I’m talking about the kind of fear that keeps you from living.
Of course, there are many different kinds of fear. Fear of success, for example. Heck, even while writing this post I had trouble getting started as a result of an emotional block that came from not wanting to revisit the past, and from having a growing audience. As you read this, I am toiling over drafts, wondering if I’ll succeed at translating what’s in my mind and heart onto the paper, and onto the screen. What then, when you are the monster under the bed? You’d be surprised how many of the same rules apply.
Envision the place that binds you. I will go with you this time.
I want you to call forward the person or thing that you are afraid of, worried about, or paralyzed by.
Here, we pull our heads up out of an immense gravitational force, like that of a sun approaching the event horizon. We look straight into it, at its gruesome face, tarred and bloody from eons without light.
Now, say it with me.
“Starve.”
This is exceptionally well written, thank you. And so utterly true. And it certainly applies to many of Katrina's alters.
Evil does exist in the world - and the reason it still exists and is still so powerful and controlling is because it's not psychologically tolerable for most people to accept that truth. What they forget is that evil is so vastly outnumbered by humans that were everyone to be aware of it the natural self-defence would eliminate evil somewhat permanently. Evil knows this, of course, hence it needs to disguise itself. 'Evil always pretends to be good...' Unless, of course, it thinks there's no one watching...
This is really fascinating. I've been trying to do some research for a horror novel I'm working on, and I'm finding a repeated theme of people saying that fear is the energy that demons feed on. That it's more about energy transfer as fuel for demons... It's cool to think of that acceptance of fear as a way to negate that. I always find it fascinating. The way that denial plays a role too, like if people are afraid of something but don't really acknowledge it. Not to reduce it to pop culture, but I often feel this is what Twin Peaks is about.