One day I looked directly right at God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it, and it said, “You don’t have to be happy to fulfill your purpose here.”
Believe me or don’t believe me, that’s what happened.
This has been demoralizing in a way that is incommunicable.
This is where I fail as a writer, the part where I can’t explain the nature the pain or the unique circumstance I find myself in. Instead, I will do my best to shape your understanding of where I am on the landscape of Metanoia.
That’s what life has been for me. A job. A task that is to be performed. Something I can’t put on and take off until I’ve shed this corporeal form for another. My happiness irrelevant, I’m not living for myself.
A part of the shift I went through this past year was largely a result of learning how to be at peace with the fact that no one was ever hurt by the love they gave, only by the love they expected. . . And yea, it shouldn’t be this way, but the fact remains: not everyone is going to love you the way you need it or the way they should. That’s not a possibility, it’s guaranteed. The human condition is, after all, a disability. People are a means to an end to one another on the marketplace planet. People come with an online product description that satisfies a checklist of conditions on the marketplace planet.
Be brave.
There is work to be done.
Entertain the possibility that this could be why some of us are here.
I could be the exception to the rule, a lighthouse in the storm. Dare I say, an agent of transformation. That is all I can do, actually. I don’t have control over anything else, not how the interview will go or how my commute will be or whether or not I will be loved.
Something happened in 2022 where suddenly I had a heart and nowhere to put it. It came as a shock as I had cut that thing out many years ago to survive life. I didn’t think it would grow back. I still don’t know how it happened. Some kind of undercurrent carried me with it.
Love is hard because it is simple and we are not. To love someone is to see them. A person will only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves, which I can say from experience is not deep at all on the marketplace planet. Ergo, many of us walk the Earth unseen in the wake of a society’s shallow capacity for love. I do not blame the humans for everything they’ve become, but I will still go to great lengths to protect myself from them.
However, I will no longer go to great lengths to stop myself from loving.
Be brave.
There is work to be done.
Kerry Jane, I absolutely LOVE ALL OF YOUR WORK AND THE LOVE ❤️ YOU PUT INTO IT. GOD BLESS YOU NOW AND FOREVERMORE. XOXO
Whose crying? Im not crying. Hope lives eternal. Without it life is not.