Authenticity

Come with me and you'll be in a world where we don't compare ourselves to others.

The most important way you can be of service to the world is to be yourself.

We forgot this.

If you grew up in the United States like me, every aspect of your cultural upbringing was about standardization, about putting all focus on the subjects you struggled with to get a higher GPA, to answer multiple choice questions perfectly, and most of all, to follow the directions of teachers and authority figures without fail.

I learned early on how to play by these rules while quietly playing by my own. As time goes on like this, I find that the self becomes fractured as it learns how to have both a face for the world and an unadulterated internal way of being.

-L.M. Montgomery, My Dear Mr. M: Letters to G.B. Macmillan from L.M. Montgomery

For someone like myself with many spinning plates, the marketing advice is always this:

Make an Instagram account for your numerology, and then a separate one for writing, and then another one for books. Do the same on YouTube. Develop your brand and stick to it. Follow trends and make posts based on them.

Child Kerry put up with this. Adult Kerry is putting her foot down.

I can’t happen to be good at whatever is good for capitalism at the time. I’m good at whatever I’m good at, and to live in a world where everything is promoted by its ability to fit the mold of commerce is nauseating.

Recently, I asked myself if it were possible to merge the fractured selves. This is a challenge, as the face I have for the world has been in the driver seat for most of my life out of necessity.

I’m considering taking a different approach this year. Given the chance, I would like to create space for my creativity, for my psyche, for the natural rhythm of my body, mind and spirit. I would like to have my life back. It’s a big ask. This is trial and error.

Our default setting is to compare ourselves to others. We are reading our peer’s publications, weighing in on their notes, deeming what is relevant by what is discussed in the comments, etc. We see their subscriber count and think ‘I need to be more like ___ to accomplish ___’. We determine that clearly the only way to achieve our desired outcome is to be more like the person next to us and less like ourselves. That is the underlying current of our pop culture, trends, and algorithms. With everybody doing this, it’s no wonder how this strange animal we call the internet came to be.

What is authenticity and why does it matter?

I think authenticity is when you have mastered the ability to remain anchored to yourself no matter the circumstance you find yourself in. It takes a lot of courage, not just to be different, but to trust yourself enough to know what your needs actually are and what is important.

I suspect that most people are unaware of the extent in which their habits and overall identity is a product of their environment, and the expectations others have or had of them. Take me, for example, who like many, struggled with various math courses throughout life. Looking back, the amount of hours I spent on trying to overcome that hurdle was astounding. I don’t use a single application of that experience in my daily life. Not once have I encountered imaginary numbers. This is time that I will never have back. I can’t help but wonder where I’d be if I lived in a paradigm where time was given to work on what I’m good at, rather than fight against what I am not, and never will be.

I still don’t know how to answer this but somehow I am a high functioning adult with a resume, no debt and a modest savings account. If I didn’t figure out how to play this stupid game and solve questions like this on the NYS regents exam, I wouldn’t have graduated high school.

This is your reminder that comparing yourself to others is a waste of time. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again - sometimes our flaws are symptoms of what make us good people. What makes you good at one thing will most likely give you less aptitude for another, as we can’t be omniscient in all things and all skillsets at all times. This sentiment has not only helped me become more patient with myself, but with others as well.

What if we acknowledged our natural strengths, demanded a space for it, and did what goes against everything our western culture has cultivated? What would we do?

Thrive.

Ah, yes. I haven’t learned that yet.

Eventually, you have to decide what deserves your time in this life, and execute accordingly. I’m going to try to do that this year. Soon, my current appointment with my employer will expire. There is uncertainty in this, but whatever the outcome, it can’t be any harder than denying my own soul just to survive this place. I already know what that’s like. I would like to know what something else is like now, given the chance. Will you join me?